I think everybody at this point knows that a couple years ago the economy took a huge dump. Not just a regular dump, but constipation that lasts a week until it finally explodes out your asshole so hard that it takes your intestines with it. A truly, nasty, inhuman shit that was a warning sign: this country was sick and needed a doctor.
California was hit particularly bad. If you remember, there was a writer’s strike going on around then, as well as an actor’s almost strike. Well these things all compounded to form a giant fiscal dick that sodomized my financial rectum. Hard. I was left broke as a joke.
I had no other choice but to look for a job. I had been in some way or form employed by the entertainment industry for about eight years. I had my ups and downs in those eight years…but at least I was steadily employed.
I began looking for work, starting with video stores first. I had experience, I worked at a video store when I was in college. I was actually a favorite among the customers because I knew so much about movies and could help them find pretty much anything based on the vaguest of descriptions. I had a genuine way with people, and didn’t really mind talking to all the weirdo customers who came into that place. I could recommend movies. I could work the cash register. I could alphabetize the shelves. At the old store, I was the only employee who dared alphabetize the adult section, but thats a whole ‘nother story!
Anyway, I applied to every video store, major chains, mom and pop, whatever, within reasonable driving distance. One Hollywood Video right down the road seemed a shoe-in, and I was good friends with one of the managers. A done deal. No sweat. Piece of cake.
Sure enough, they called me in. It wouldn’t be my friend the manager interviewing me, but her boss. I had about a million of these type of interviews in my college days, so I knew what to expect. I knew what questions they would ask, and what answers they were looking for. I would deliver these answers with confidence and a slight bit of non-dirty humor. Like I said earlier; piece of cake.
Boy was I wrong. After a brief introduction, the first question out of the interviewer’s mouth was, “If your life was a movie, what movie would it be?” Didn’t see that one coming. I was thrown for a loop. I assume visibly. My blood pressure rose. My eyes may have bugged slightly out of my head.
My mind was reeling. In a split second, my mind went through the plots of dozens of films. All the films I could think of that I could identify with the lead character were severely anti-authority and anti-establishment. Not the best thing to say to a potential employer of a minimum wage job. Either that or they were about somebody killing a whole mess of people for no apparent reason. Also not a wise move.
All this was in seconds, the way people in accidents describe their whole life flashing before their eyes. But what was flashing before my eyes were other people’s fictional lives. In a moment of either pure genius or pure lunacy, the title that came to my lips was “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo“.
Yup. A wacky Rob Schneider comedy about male prostitution is the example I gave to sum up my life at a job interview. Glad I ironed my shirt for that one. The interviewer gave me a very strange look. A look which read, “If I say what I am thinking right now, I’ll loose my job. But you, sir, are most definitely a fuck-up. I see no Hollywood Video employee of the month plaques on your wall anytime soon.” She laughed slightly, and then the inevitable question, “Why?”
That question was easy! Low and behold, honest to God…I had a reason for my answer! And a good one too!!!
“Throughout the movie, Deuce Bigalow has a job to do. And he does it against all odds. Also, throughout the movie, he meets a bunch of wacky misfits with hearts of gold. For whatever reason, these people are rejects from society, but are not bad people. The opposite in fact. Through somewhat self-deprecating antics, Rob Schneider kind of lets these people know they have a purpose. He validates them. And when the going gets tough in the end, Deuce Bigalow has built a solid group of friends he could count on. And they all pull together, they fix that guys apartment that Rob Schneider messed up, and ultimately save the day.”
I said that, with such confidence it felt like I had written it beforehand. The interviewer was taking interest, her shocked and bewildered expression changing to one of entertained disbelief. I continued, “I have always carried my life like that. I have always tried to find common ground with people, even if they are pretty different at first. I try to get their joke so to speak, and never let them feel like they are not part of mine. And while doing it, I still do the work. Even when the pressure is on, and an impossible task is at hand.”
The interviewer seemed impressed. She nodded in agreement. She gets it. I think she even liked my corny ass answer. The rest of her questions were pretty straight forward. “What do you do if you catch a customer shoplifting?” for example. Easy as pie.
For what its worth, I like “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.” One of the reasons is actually the message I gave above. Another is because one of my favorite character actors, Richard Riehle gives one of his best performances as Deuce Bigalow’s dad. Another reason is because William Forsythe gives a performance with such intensity you would think he was trying out for a role in “There Will Be Blood.” But the main reason I like it is I really like dick and fart jokes. I like them a lot. And this movie has plenty of both.
I didn’t get that job by the way. I heard through the grapevine that it wasn’t my advocacy of very poorly reviewed comedies about man-whores that did me in, but because I seemed slightly nervous when upselling was brought up. Honesty kicks my ass every time!
I continued my Ramen Noodle diet for a couple more weeks, and then Target eventually hired me. They asked no weird questions during their interview.