Archive for Waste of Time

Looks Like Chocolate, Tastes Like Shit!!!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2010 by johnkaryus

Now everything STEAMING WOLF PENIS ever recorded is yours for FREE!!! Simply go to that MySpace I just linked, and click where is says HERE!!!!

What, you never heard of STEAMING WOLF PENIS?!?!?! They are a coo-coo crazy three piece band from the Seattle area consisting of a metalhead/hippy looking guy, a sort of ironic normal looking guy, and a fucked-up monster. The fucked-up monster is named “Jerkbeast“, and resembles a constipated vampire version of H.R. Pufnstuf.

Now you can own, free of charge, such classics as “Looks Like Chocolate, Tastes Like Shit”, “Hey Man, Quit Fartin’ On My Eyepatch” and “King Tut Put His Hand In My Butt”!!! They only recorded two albums as far as I know…and both are free from the band themselves. If you are a collector of refined taste such as myself, then these two albums are a must have!

My first encounter with STEAMING WOLF PENIS was reading a review of their movie “Jerkbeast” by Andy Copp. Andy Copp is a great indie filmmaker I have know for a few years, and he writes a blog on exploitation movies you should all check out. It’s a way better way to waste your time than reading my sorry ass blog any day, that’s for damn sure.

I can’t find Andy’s original review of “Jerkbeast”. I think it was on an old website he took down. But he didn’t like it. Not one bit. I remember that distinctly. And while I consider Andy Copp a great writer, and extremely knowledgeable about b-movies…him not liking something with such contempt is often a sign I will like it. I like what he likes, but also like what he hates. It’s what he’s indifferent about that I seem to hate. Its weird that way!

Anyway, “Jerkbeast” is based on the band, which had their own public access show. Basically, these two goons and this fucked-up monster answer the phone and insult whoever answers. A simple premise with hilarious results!!!

Here is a crappy quality clip from that show. You’ll get the idea:

So, based on that, they made a movie. Those three goons write the song “Looks Like Chocolate, Tastes Like Shit”, and it catches on big time. They then have to deal with a bunch of crazy fans and the trials and tribulations of being famous. Kind of an extremely foul mouthed “A Hard Day’s Night.” I think that was what it was about anyway.

I love this show. I love this movie. I love this band. I think this band might have actually caught on as a weird/raunch act if they had called themselves JERKBEAST instead of STEAMING WOLF PENIS…but I am sure calling themselves STEAMING WOLF PENIS caught them some notice. I know I noticed it. A true Catch 22!

Like I said, I truly enjoyed all facets of this multi-media diarrhea explosion. But my taste has always been suspect. Unlike Andy, I find this brand of asshole-ism very funny. Most people do not.

You can rent JerkBeast HERE. looks out-of-print…so you can at least reserve it on your queue. I’m sure you can find it if you look hard enough!


An Ode To Becca Grant (and I guess Throut and Neck)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on March 10, 2010 by johnkaryus

The year was 1999. I was winding down on college, a class or two left to go. I didn’t have jack shit left to do except a couple random liberal arts classes. The time was ripe for hanging around with friends at ungodly times like 4am and watching the lowest of trash tv.

And Trash TV we did find. At around 3am, on the Game Show Network, came quite possibly the stupidest television show ever to grace the boob tube: “Throut and Neck“. And there’s a reason I called it “Boob Tube”…because of the hostess with the mostess Rebecca Grant!

Basically, this girl “Becca” would host this show in pig tails and the tightest of tight neon outfits. Her co-hosts were two computer generated monsters named Throut and Neck. These two fucks would crack really crappy jokes and puns while Becca kind of giggled and jiggled. Anyone watching this show was obviously a pervert or a moron or both. I was most definitely in that target audience. Someone so lazy they would lay there and watch this in bed, because they were too lazy to get up and go change the tape in the VCR to a porno and just get the job done. You would eventually be hypnotized by this show and pass out…or if you actually made it through, the informercial after would get you.

Oh, this was on the Game Show Network? Where was the game? Well…viewers would call in and get berated and mocked by these two computer animated dipshits. Often it would be frat type guys calling in and saying some lewd inneuendo for poor Becca, who didn’t seem to care. They would play a video game through the TV with their phone. The numbers on the phone would be the controls. I don’t quite understand how it worked, and I have a theory it actually didn’t.

I miss this show. It had hot babes, truly crappy jokes, a kind of neon surreal quality you can only find when you least expect it…on the Game Show Network at 4 am.

For a taste of this nonsense, and the bubbly Becca, check out this clip where some goon calls in and makes Becca mention his public access show on the air. And I thought my self publicity was bad:

And here is a clip which shows a little more of the show, including the trance inducing games:

I was introduced to this show by a friend of mine, who was pretty darn obsessed. Towards the end of the shows run, they had a write in contest where a viewer won Becca’s Silver Boots!! What would one do with those boots? Given the target audience of this show, probably masturbate with them and then put them on.

Anyway, my friend did his research, found out Becca’s favorite movie was Turk 182, and wrote some sort of essay about it. My friend WON!!! They read his essay on the air and cracked crappy lame jokes at his expense. He waited by his mailbox diligently, but he never got his boots. His fantasies about Becca’s footwear never to be made tangible. In dreams they remain. His poor, poor heart was broken. But I don’t blame Becca. I blame those rascally demonic pieces of shit Throut and Neck. They are probably still filling them with jizz in their demon realm 10 years later!

Rebecca Grant seems to be doing well these days, even without her boots. She has had some guest star roles on some TV shows, hosted a show about football called “Under the Helmut”. She was even in a Dr. Jekyll movie directed by John Carl Buechler!! And she is originally from my hometown of Buffalo, NY…which explains her shout out to the Sabres in one of the above clips!

HERE is her website. She no longer lists “Throut and Neck” on her resume.

Here’s some more if you really can’t get enough: